Not Alone
by x-PaintItRed-x
Summary: Dave Strider is your average 16yr old boy. That is... Until he finds a picture of his older brother and begins developing not so brotherly feelings towards him. Will Dave get over this crush? or will he be broken beyond repair when Dirk finds a boyfriend of his own? - Dave's POV - Incest, Boyxboy, Self harm - Other ships suggested - Don't like, Don't read.
1. Chapter 1

I shouldn't like this... Oh fuck, I really shouldn't like this. Here I am... sixteen years old... alone in my bedroom... and I'm staring at a picture I found online of my older bro, Dirk. Nothing wrong with that.. right? Yeah... I wish. But there's a problem with this picture. Dirk isn't wearing any clothes. And worse than that... I'm not closing this picture out on my laptop.

I can hear him too.. in the next room over. He's messing around with his robots again from what I can tell.. A clink here.. the buzz of a drill there. And I can hear him singing a bit, if I listen hard enough. He's got an amazing voice.. It's soft.. but nowhere close to childish. He sounds more like a mid twenty year old guy but he's only eighteen.

Anyway... I'm still staring at this fucking picture and listening to his voice and... Oh shit. Oh hell no. I did not just get a boner! Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck! I look down... Shit! There's a tent in my pants and I can't stop bringing my eyes back to that picture. Damn it Dirk... Why do you have to look so good naked?

Wait. No fucking way. I did not just think that. Holy fuck I did not just think that!

Or... Did I?

I take a few breathes, weighing my options.

I can close the laptop... Burn the damn thing... and go on with my day... or.. I could close this file, which now appears to be permanently fucking saved to my laptop.. Hope Dirk NEVER finds it... and go to the bathroom to take care of the problem in my pants.

The latter choice of course is much more plausible.. Not to mention Dirk won't question me about destroying the computer.. So I close the file, shut off my laptop, and stretch a bit before heading to the bathroom.

I have to pass his bedroom on the way there. When I do.. I can't hear him singing anymore. Instead.. I hear talking and laughing. I sigh... Jake must be video chatting him again. Not that I don't mind Jake... but I would rather not have him calling and video chatting my bro as much as he does. I mean.. Yeah.. Dirk likes him.. But I can't help but feel like the adventurer, who looks a lot like my best bro John, is taking him away from me. Maybe it's just a brotherly love thing.. But yeah.. I don't want that happening..

"Yeah. I'll talk to you later. See ya'."

That's when I hear his footsteps. I quickly flash-step out of the area, locking myself in the bathroom. I can hear him walk out to the kitchen, open the fridge, and then head back to his room.

"Yo Dave! I'm going to sleep! There's some pizza in the fridge if you get hungry man!"

I hear what sounds like his light switch and then his bed creak slightly. Good... Now he won't catch me doing this.

I lock the door, being as quiet as ever, and sit down on the ground. My pants are uncomfortable as hell at the moment so I pull them off, leaving myself to sit on the bathroom floor in my boxers and shirt. I think over what exactly I want to do.. Seeing as I didn't exactly do this a lot.. And finally come to the decision that I need my shirt removed. I close my eyes, pulling the shirt over my head and discarding it on the ground beside me. I keep my eyes closed, slowly beginning to rub my inner thighs as I try to imagine something that'll help me get off. What comes to my imagination however... horrifies me.

I can see the bathroom again, although my eyes are closed, and kneeling down in front of me, with only his boxers on, is Dirk. His hands are on my thighs and holy fuck why am I imagining him rubbing them?! I blush darkly but for some reason... I don't will the image away. Instead.. I let his hands stay on my thighs and travel up, brushing over my stomach. I gasp when he kisses my neck and I can't help but want more. I moan softly when I feel a hand slowly dance around the tent in my boxers and I stop for a moment, worried about the real Dirk hearing. Once I hear the soft snoring of my bro though... I know it's safe to continue. I carefully slide my hands under my boxers, imaging it's Dirk pulling them down. I do it slowly.. Knowing he'd probably be the one to tease.. And when I feel the cool air of our apartment hit my erection I gasp and take it in my hand. I moan again, this time a little less soft, as I imagine Dirk stroking me.. He's still wearing his gloves and it feels amazing. I keep this up, pumping myself as my imaginary bro kisses my neck and continues to jerk me off. I try to keep quiet, but soon my moans are escaping my mouth every few moments and I have to bite my lip to keep quiet. It's when I finally hit release however... That I realize that I moaned Dirk's name out pretty damn loudly. I freeze, hearing him shift in his bed. I quickly grab some toilet paper, clean myself up, and flush all evidence down the toilet before putting my clothes back on and hurrying back to my room. My heart is racing and holy shit... I think he heard me. Then I realize what the fuck I just did and.. And I'm disgusted with myself. I just jerked off.. To my own brother! What the fuck is wrong with me?!

"Dave? You still awake Lil' Man?" Dirk's voice. Oh shit! I quickly, change (and by change I mean pull off my shirt, pants, and signature aviator shades) and bury myself in the sheets of my bed. The door opens seconds later and I can tell he's watching me. He stands there for the longest time before I hear him coming near the bed. I hold my breath, closing my eyes tight and I feel the bed shift from him sitting beside me and I swear my heart skipped a beat. He of course notices I'm not asleep and brushes a hand through my hair. "Dave.. You ok..?"

I turn over, pretending to have been awaken and look at him through half lidded eyes. "Mm.. What is it bro? I'm trying to sleep.."

Dirk chuckles and plays with my hair a bit. I'm more than thankful now for the darkness because holy fuck... My cheeks are getting hot.

"Sorry little man.. Just thought I'd check on ya'. I can't sleep."

My heart stops. He can't sleep? That means... Oh shit... Please tell me he didn't hear! "So you decided to wake me up too?" I offer him a smirk, although it's not very effective since my shades are off, and he returns it with one of his own. For the first time... I realize he's not wearing his pointy anime shades and I can clearly see his orange eyes, glowing in the darkness.

"Sorry... Thought I heard you walk past my room so I thought you were awake. Want me to go?" He looks slightly disappointed and I shake my head slowly. Maybe this isn't my best idea considering what I just did... But I really do want him here with me.  
He smiles, like... with a bit of teeth and everything... and slips into bed with me. I blush more, realizing he only has his boxers on, and I stop breathing for a second when he wraps his arms around me. "So why can't you sleep?" I ask with honest curiosity. He sighs in response and looks off to the side.

"You know how I like Jake right..?"

I nod.

"Well... I plan to ask him out tomorrow."

"What?" My own voice surprises me and obviously Dirk too because he gives me a weird look.

"What'd you mean what?"  
I swallow thickly and stare at him. "Well... like... You're serious? About asking out Jake? Shouldn't you wait until you meet in person?"

Dirk only shakes his head. "Dave... I love him. It shouldn't make a difference if I tell him tomorrow or when we meet in person next month."

"Yeah... But what if he feels like you're moving too fast?"  
"He won't. Jake isn't like that."  
I sigh. "Yeah. Ok."

"Why do you seem so annoyed by the fact that I'm going to ask him out?" Dirk looks to me with a more serious expression this time and I glare back at him.  
"I don't have a reason. I just don't understand how anyone can be in love if they haven't even met face to face."  
"Oh... and like you weren't in love with that John kid?"  
I shove him away from me at that. "Don't you dare fucking mention that.." I growl before turning over to face away from him. It was true... I had loved my best bro ever since we were kids. We met through an online chat and hit it off great. And after we had video chatted about six times.. I asked him out. We said I love you to each other and I was happier than ever... But then.. On the day we met in person... He said it wasn't working out. My heart had been broken that day... And now Dirk was reminding me of it all over again.

"Look Dave.. I'm sorry. I know it didn't work out for you and John.. But this is different. Jake may look like him.. But he's totally different and I love him." Dirk stared at me, obviously wanting me to understand.. But no matter what.. I couldn't bring myself to be ok with this. It was bad enough that Dirk had a crush on Jake... but asking him out?! I couldn't let that happen.

"Whatever bro.. Just.. Leave me the hell alone." I pull my blankets off him, wrapping myself in a tight cocoon. I don't even say goodnight to him when he leaves the room, the tears slowly falling down my cheeks.

I don't know why this hurt so much... He's my brother. I should be happy for him. But the thought of him dating Jake English makes me cry more. I love Dirk.. But now I wonder just how far that love for him goes.

I shake my head, although the tears keep falling, and I close my eyes, crying myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Fuck school, fuck ex boyfriends, and fuck everything I've ever believed made me happy. Oh.. I'm sorry. Do I sound pissed off? Well too bad. Because I am. I'm tired of everything... Of the way people talk to me... The way John doesn't even acknowledge my existence... And the way my heart is breaking in a million and one ways.

"Strider..? What the fucks taking so long?"

Karkat... Motherfucking great. Just who I wanted to see. "Sorry Kitkat. But I'm walking home today. I'm not in the mood to ride the bus."

"Not in the mood to ride the bus? What the hell do you mean? You live almost ten miles away from here. How the fuck do you expect to walk home?"

I went to say something along the lines of "I'll figure it out." but my voice betrayed me and I choked on my words. Karkat, being the douche he is, kicks open the bathroom stall door.

"Dave fucking Strider what the hell are yo-" His bright red eyes go wide when he sees me. My phone's in my left hand along with my shades, there's a cafeteria knife in the other, and tears are dripping onto my bloodied thighs.

Yeah... I'm embarrassed as all fuck because my pants are down and my bright red boxers are visible, but I'm more worried about the fact that Karkat just found me like this.

"Sh-shit! Dave!" He grabs my knife and pulls it from my hands. He then runs to the bathroom's main door and locks it so no one will come in before hurrying back to me. "Are you fucking crazy?! What are you doing?!" He says this as he takes toilet paper and covers the cuts I just made and it's obvious that he's scared shitless.

By now, I can't speak and my body is shaking like crazy. He notices this and immediately takes my hands, placing my phone on the ground. "Dave.." I hear concern in his voice and it breaks me. I can't take it any longer. The way everyone acts like I don't exist... like I don't matter... And then they try to make it better when they see me like this. "J-just... leave me al-lone.." I choke.

That's all it takes for him to pull me into a hug. He doesn't leave... He doesn't push me away and say I'm an idiot... He just hugs me. I don't know what else to do so I just hug back tight, crying into his shoulder. I usually wouldn't even allow this troll to touch me... Ever since the day I found out him and John were dating, I hated him. Yet now.. I welcomed his embrace.. Savored it... Because it was the only thing I had now to tell me I wasn't alone.

"I'm not just leaving you here you stupid fuckass.." He brushes one of his grey hands through my hair and I whimper like a child. "I want to help you. Please... Tell me what's going on.." For a moment, I almost start crying again. He sounds so much like John when he acts like this. But I don't cry. Instead, I point to my phone and he understands what I'm so upset about when he grabs it and reads the screen.

There's a message, just a short one, sent to me about an hour ago that reads, "TT: Jake said yes.". My tears began to fall once more as I read the message again and Karkat looked to me with sympathetic eyes. I had never told the nubby horned troll about any of my crushes, but he knew how I felt about my relationship with Dirk and how his friendship with Jake bothered me. "Dave... It's ok.. I'm sure he'll still spend time with you. He won't completely forget about you..." He's rubbing my back now and kissing my head the same way John used to and it kills me. I wish I could love someone who loved me back... I wish I wasn't crying over Dirk... And I wish that the person holding me now was John. But no matter how much I wish... I know I can't change any of this. "I w-want to die.. I d-don't want to be here anymore.." At this, Karkat pulls away from me and yanks out his own cell phone, typing something and then putting it away.

It's not even ten minutes later, that I hear banging on the bathroom door and Karkat opens it to let someone in. I recognize the black hair and bright blue eyes far too quickly and I want to cry more but I can't because he's got his arms around me and he's whispering words of comfort, between the soft kisses he places on my forehead and cheeks. "Dave... Please stop crying.. It's going to be ok. I'm here.."

I finally calm down after about five minutes and John gets to work on wrapping my legs in gauze and bandaging, his eyes darting up to mine every few minutes. He doesn't say anything like "I can't believe you did this." or "You're such an idiot.". He just stays quiet, even when he has Karkat help me stand so he can pull my pants up and close the zipper and button. Once I'm all cleaned up, he looks to me and places a hand on my cheek, caressing it with a thumb. "Don't you ever do this again... Please.."

I nod and pull him into a tight hug, the tears no longer falling. I miss him so much and it kills me to know he's with Karkat now but I know he's still here for me and it's enough to keep me at least a little happy. "J-John.. I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry for everything I said that day. I kn-know I-" "Dave.. No.. Please." I look him straight in the eyes and for a moment I feel like he's going to tell me this doesn't make us friends but instead he kisses my forehead and brushes a hand through my hair. "I know you never meant what you said. And.. I'm sorry. I should've talked to you about how I felt sooner. Maybe then I could've sparred you so many tears.." He grabs my hands and Karkat backs off, going to wait by the bathroom door. I stare, and I'm unsure what's going on. "You'll always be my best bro.. I promise. I don't ever want to lose you so please... Don't ever try hurting yourself again. Even if it's one in the morning... Please call me if you feel like doing this again.."

"I-I'll try..." Is all I can say. "I love you John.."  
He smiles a bit and kisses me softly, leaving me breathless. "I know.." And then he places my shades on my eyes and takes me to Karkat, the two of them leading me out of the school and to John's Dad's car.

Mr. Egbert raises an eyebrow when he sees me and John just tells him that the bus left early and I missed it. The man shrugs it off and the three of us get in the back seat, John's hand never leaving mine. The ride isn't long since there's not much traffic, but I'm in heaven the entire time. I never thought I'd feel John's hand on mine again and I didn't want it to end..

Yet... it did.

I was home now, lying on my bed as I covered my ears, trying not to hear Dirk and Jake's voices exchange "I love you."s over the webcam. It hurt so much now.. knowing that I was losing Dirk. It was bad enough that he didn't love me the way I loved him... But it was even worse to know that he was already forgetting me. He didn't even say hi when I walked in our apartment! All he did was go on about how amazingly lucky he was and how perfect Jake was and I hate it!

"Dave! I'm ordering pizza! You want some?!" I stay quiet as I quickly pull off my shirt and get under my blankets, closing my eyes.

"Dave?! Did you hear me?!" I ignore him and in minutes I hear him in my room. "Dave..? You asleep already?" I stay quiet and soon he leaves. I decide I can go without dinner tonight, seeing as I'm not exactly hungry anyway, and soon the tears start falling again when I hear Jake say "You're brother's awfully strange at times." and Dirk just laughs and says "I know.".

I guess I was right... Jake was taking my brother away. But what hurt the most... Was that he didn't care and I soon cried myself to sleep, just as I did yesterday.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello? Is this the Strider household?" Those were the first words I heard this morning before I heard Dirk open the door to our apartment.

I knew right away that this was no ordinary visitor. Oh no. This was someone "special". This was Jake fucking English... Boyfriend to my asshole of a brother, Dirk.

Ok... Maybe I am being a bit of a douche right now... But what do you expect?! All I've heard for the past three and a half weeks is how "great" and "wonderful" the guy is and I'm sick of it!

The worst part? I get to spend a whole two weeks with Jake living under OUR roof. Like seriously? What the fuck?! Don't I get a say in this?!

No. Of course I don't. I'm just a kid. I don't get a say in ANY of this! All that matters is that Dirk and Jake are happy while I'm stuck in my room, sad and depressed.

"Hey Dave! Come out here!" Dirk's voice. No. No fucking way am I going out the-

"Dave! Get your ass out here and say hi to our guest!"

And then I can't help what happens next.

Yeah.. I come out of my room. But am I nice? Hell no. Instead, my voice is cold and my shade covered eyes stare straight through Dirk and his adventurous piece of shit boyfriend. "Hi Jake. I'm Dave. Thought I'd let you know that since I can guess that Dirk probably doesn't talk about me much. If you need me, I'll be in my bedroom but hey, try not to need me because I'm really NOT in the mood to talk to YOU or anyone else. Goodbye and I hope you enjoy your stay."  
I then stomp back to my bedroom, Dirk's voice loud as he calls me a "disrespectful little shit" and I slam the door and lock it. I then plop down, face first onto my bed, tears welling up in my eyes. I want to call John... Like I have been almost every three days since the incident with the cafeteria knife at school... But I don't. I don't because I don't want Dirk or Jake hearing me. I don't because I know I'm an annoyance to John. And I don't because it just makes me look weak and useless.

I am useless though.

I cry... I find my razor blade... and I call John. I do this almost on a schedule and it's starting to get old but I can't stop. Unlike eating... I stopped that no problem.

Dirk would bring me food... I'd throw it out the apartment window. On nights he made me eat with him... I'd swallow every bit... Go to the bathroom... And gag myself until the food was brought up and out of my stomach. I didn't feel the greatest the first few times I did it... But now it's nothing. Now I don't feel any of it. And you know what..? No one realizes what's happening either. Not even John and Karkat.

I go to school... focus as much as I can on work... All the while not worrying about the fact that I'm dropping at least fifteen pounds a week. No one mentions my clothes either. They just shrug off the fact that my skinny jeans are baggy now and that my signature record shirts have been replaced with baggy long sleeved sweat jackets.

And now... I can feel that urge again. The urge to drag my razor blade over my arms... The urge watch blood flow slowly down my skin. It's coming back.. And I welcome it.

And for the next week in a half... I keep welcoming it..

And when John asks how I'm doing over the phone... I just say "I'm fine bro." and it keeps happening...

Until Jake finds me.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey Dave.. Dirk went out to get a few things and he forgot to tell me where he put the cleanser for my glasses. Could yo-"

The door to my bedroom opens and Jake stares wide eyed with fear. "D-Dave?!"

Heh. His voice is even full of fear.

"Dave! Dave please get up!" He's kneeling over me now, holding my head in his lap as blood pours down my arm. How did I get this way? Funny story actually...

You see.. I saw Dirk and Jake kiss yesterday. Yeah, I know, stupid reason to try and kill myself.. But that's not everything that happened so I'll start from the beginning.

It was about, I'd have to say seven thirty yesterday morning.. I was thirsty, my apple juice was out in the kitchen, so I got up and went to get some. But.. I didn't get any apple juice. Instead... I found Dirk and Jake, making out in the kitchen. The kiss was full of tongues and I could see pretty much everything as they both grabbed at each other's hips and backs. I wanted to throw up.. I wanted to die right there and then.. But Dirk stopped me with an apology. He said he was sorry I had to see that but I knew he only said that because he was embarrassed. He was letting down his cool to Jake and that was something he didn't do... Even around me. It hurt... and I openly refused to eat for the rest of the day, using the excuse "I'm not hungry.".

That was only the beginning of my worst day though... Because it kept happening. Dirk would kiss Jake's cheek... Jake would kiss his nose... They'd get into tickle fights... And I even caught them making out another five times before dinner. Then they ate... Totally ignoring the fact that I wasn't eating too.

The worst part of all though... Was when the lights went out.

It must've been about ten, maybe eleven o'clock... I had said goodnight about an hour earlier and everything in the apartment was quiet. That is... Until I heard Jakes voice again.

"Dirk.. We really shouldn't. What if Dave wakes up?"  
"He won't.. He never does."  
"Are you sure..?"  
"Promise."

My heart sunk at the next part... Jake's voice ringing loud and clear from down the hall..

"D-Dirk.!"

"Shh... It's ok. Just trust me.."

"O-ok... Just be c-careful.."  
"Mm~ I will be~"

A loud moan rang out through the hall and I immediately knew what was happening. My stomach did flips and my heart broke as the noises escalated. Then.. the noises came from both Jake and Dirk and I couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry harshly into my pillow as the noises continued... When I fell asleep I don't know. But when I woke up in the morning to the sound of Dirk leaving I was sure I was alone in the apartment.

I grabbed my razor... Stared at it... Thought hard about how I was to cut myself this time... But instead... Something else happened.

I remembered his voice... the way he talked to Jake last night like nothing else in the world mattered. I remembered how he kissed Jake... how he hugged him... And I remembered the noises that had come from his bedroom last night.

And... I don't know... I guess I just couldn't take it any more. The blade was dull... So it hurt like a bitch... But after a few moments, everything went numb. My hands... my feet... everything. I knew what I had done and there was no going back but... I was happy.

I was happy because I knew it was over. The pain... the hunger... the loneliness.. It would all be over. I wouldn't have to watch Dirk and Jake be together and I wouldn't have to watch John be with Karkat either. I'd just leave... go out like a light... and no one would have to deal with me anymore.

But even death isn't easy... Because it turns out Dirk left Jake here... and now... The asshole is crying and holding me close and dialing 911 and all I can do is drift further away as he shakes me to keep me awake.

"Dirk! Oh good g-golly! You need to get h-here now! D-Dave's- There's blood everywhere and- Just come! P-please!" He puts his cell phone away and I watch through clouded eyes as he desperately tries to stop the bleeding in my wrist and I hope.. or rather pray, that the ambulance won't get here in time.

But it does... And the medics work fast to get me in the vehicle and off to the hospital. They stick needles in me and they pump oxygen into my lungs, forcing my body to stay alive.. And then everything goes black and... I'm finally free..

Or...

At least I think I am..


	5. Chapter 5

"What's going to happen to him?"

Dirk's voice is the first thing I hear when I start coming back around. It's strange. It sounds almost muffled... Like he's in some far off tunnel. There's a woman talking too... But I can't place her voice and I start to wake up more, the sounds of machines beeping and clicking quietly beginning to fill my ears.

"Well... Once he's back to a stable state, he'll be put in an institution."  
"An institution?! What the fuck do you mean?! My brother isn't going to some damn mental institution! He's going home!"

"Mr. Strider, I'm sorry.. But we can not allow Dave to go back home. It would be endangering both him and possibly even you."  
"My brother is not a danger to me! Are you even hearing yourself?!"

"Dirk... Please calm down.. It's not her fault that this is happening.." That's Jake's voice. I would know that voice anywhere. But.. He sounds different.. Maybe even scared..

And that's when I realize what's going on.

I'm in the hospital. Those machines are monitors.. taking note of every beat in my heart and every breath that travels through my lungs. I feel stinging now... In my wrist... In my arm... and in my side. I try to open my eyes, to ask what's going on... but all that comes out is a groan and a hand on my own. "D-Dave..?"

I manage to open my eyes slightly and I'm greeted with a teary eyed John, who's now crying at the sight of me waking up. "Oh my god! Dave! I was so worried! Dirk! Dirk! He's awake!"

In seconds, my brother is at John's side, a hand on my shoulder and a small smile on his face. The nurse leaves and he starts talking. "Hey bro... Good to see you're awake.." His voice is soft and I can't help but smile slightly. I never thought I'd hear him use that tone with me ever again... Yet he was now.

"As awake as a bear after hibernation.." I mutter, trying to put my normal sarcastic voice into my words. Jake just frowns though and glares at me as he comes to stand by Dirk, pushing John out of the way. "Don't you be acting like you're ok. You're lucky you're awake at all." He says this coldly and I flinch slightly. I never heard Jake talk like this... and honestly... It scared me.

"I-"  
"Do you even realize what could've happened if I hadn't found you?! Really Dave.. That was so fucking stupid! Why would you even-"  
"Shut up Jake." My eyes, which are now filled with tears, go wide at the sound of Dirk's voice. Did... Did he just tell Jake to shut up?  
"Wh-what?" Jake's voice sounds just as surprised as I feel and I can tell he wasn't ready for that.

"You heard me Jake. I said shut up. Dave's been through a lot. He doesn't need you yelling at him."

"But Dirk! Do you realize what could've happened?! Dave could've-"  
"That's enough Jake." Dirk's voice is filled with ice and he sounds pissed.

I just stare at the two of them, unsure what to say.

"Fine. If that's how you feel." Jake stands up abruptly and stares at Dirk angrily. "Call me back up when you're done with this." He then leaves, in which Dirk stands up just as abruptly.

"Dave... I'll be back. John... Please keep an eye on him for me. I'll be back in a little bit." He then heads out of the room and I can hear him yelling down the hall, "Jake, stop being an asshole and get back here!". I can guess he's escorted out.. Because he doesn't come back for some time and soon John turns away from the door to look at me, eyes puffy and red. He's been crying.. I can tell.. And I wish I hadn't been the reason he was crying.

"John.. I'm sorry. I didn't me-"  
"Dave. Don't even start. I don't want to hear it. Just..." He grabs my hand and looks down at his lap, shoulders shaking a bit and I can tell he's about to cry again so I give his hand a small squeeze, even though it hurts a bit to do so. He then looks back up to me, tears streaming down his face. "Why Dave?"

And that's all it takes for me to tell him everything.

I tell him about the picture on my computer... About how I had developed feelings for Dirk... And he immediately understood everything. I was scared at first, because when I told him I loved Dirk like that... He gave me an odd look. But after a moment, he just nodded, telling me to continue. I didn't need to tell him why I started cutting... He put two and two together easily when he remembered the text I had received at school.. and soon enough he was crying and apologizing up and down for not being there for me. I of course couldn't help but laugh slightly, telling him how ridiculous he was being because he had been there. Out of everyone I knew... He had stayed by my side no matter what. It was my fault that he hadn't been there to stop what I did. I kept everything from him.. And in turn.. I closed myself off from the only friend I really had.

"John.. I don't want to die. Not anymore.." I said this as he kept his arm over me, hugging me as best as he possibly could.

"Thank god.." Was all he said, but I didn't care. All I cared about was that I was alive and John was my friend, my best bro, and I knew he'd be here for me always.

But... Then I remembered something when the nurse came back in to check on me, and I was scared.

"John.. I don't want to go to a mental institution. I can't- I won't be able to do it.. I'll lose it if I'm locked up.."  
"I know you don't want to go... But Dave.. You tried to kill yourself. It's not like they have any other choice."  
"I know. But I can't. John... I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with you and Dirk and Karkat and all our friends. I don't want to be locked up in some hospital where they'll consider me crazy. I'm not crazy.. You know I'm not.."  
"I do know that Dave.. And I'll do whatever I can to keep you from going there.. But it all comes down to whether or not Dirk is able to convince the doctors to let you go home.. Ok..?"

I nod and I press the buttons on my bed to sit up a bit. It hurts a little.. But it's worth it when I finally manage to get my arms around John and hug him as tight as my weakened body allows me to. He hugs back, careful of my currently fragile body, and kisses my head several times. "I love you Dave.. You're the best best bro a guy could ask for.."  
I smile a bit and nuzzle into him.

"Please.. Don't ever leave me.." and then he leans me back in my bed, tucks me in, and kisses my forehead.

"I won't. I promise."


	6. Chapter 6

"Welcome home lil' man." Dirk said this as he opened the door to our apartment, letting me inside. It was nice to be home.. Away from the nurses and doctors who constantly treated me like a mental patient. And it was really nice to finally be out of the therapist's office. Yeah... It was better than a mental institution.. But I still felt alone since no one was allowed to touch me until the therapist finally decided I wasn't crazy.. Just depressed. He told Dirk this and my bro cried. He didn't let anyone see him cry.. I only heard him when he thought I was asleep.. But it was strange. I had never heard him cry the way he did. It sounded so unnatural.. So broken.. And I couldn't help but listen to him as he quietly apologized for not being a better brother.

But that was all over now. I was home and Dirk was smiling just as much as I was. I did realize one thing different though.. And I had to point it out.

"Hey bro.. Where are all your stupid puppets?" I looked at him from behind my shades, smirking quite a bit.

"I put them away. I know you don't like them so-"  
"It's kinda weird not seeing them around.." I said this almost as if I had been gone for months and the whole apartment had been changed. It was true though... Everything looked pretty empty without the weird plush assed puppets scattered about. Not to mention I was used to keeping an eye out for the damn thi-

"I'm glad you're home Dave.."

My thoughts are cut short at the sound of Dirk's voice. Why did it sound so much closer than before..?  
"Yeah.. I'm glad too.." I turn my head to look at him and he's right in my face. I can't tell what he's thinking though, his face totally expressionless, and it honestly makes me a bit uncomfortable. "Uh.. You want to get out of my face bro?"

He shakes his head a bit and before I know it, his arms around me in a tight hug and he's pressing a kiss to my forehead in which I can feel my face heat up. Thank god I have shades to hide the blush...

"Jake and I broke up.."

And I can hear in his voice the same emptiness that had been in mine the day John broke up with me. I hug him tight and he nuzzles his face into my hair. "I'm sorry.. I wish I could make you feel better.."

And then I can feel it..

It's something about the way he squeezes me just the slightest bit tighter and pulls me just the tiniest bit closer that tells me there's more to this break up then he's telling me. So... I look up at him with sympathy and ask the question I'm sure he's expecting.

"Why'd you break up..?"

For a while... He just stares at me, as if he's thinking over his words... But then he says something I didn't expect at all.

"I broke up with him because he was jealous of you."  
I don't know how long I just stare at him, my heart beating fast and my cheeks aflame... But soon I decide I need to say something, so I do.

"You broke up with him because of me..?"

"Well yeah. B-but it's not your fault if that's what you're thinking!"

I laugh slightly at the way he tries not to upset me and he gives me a look of confusion from behind his stupid anime shades. "What's so funny?"

"You are bro." I chuckle, trying not to laugh more as I nuzzle into his chest.

"What?"  
"I said you're funny." I look up at him with a smile and I can clearly see that he's thinking I'm crazy. "I can't believe you left Jake because of me.. I'm not worth losing your boyfriend."  
And that's when time stops.

I feel warm all over and my whole body tenses at the feeling of another set of lips on my own and I can't stop my whole face from going red.

There is NO WAY Dirk is kissing me! It's got to be a dream! It has to be!

But then he stops kissing me and I stare at him with the most confused, most flustered face ever and he starts apologizing.

"Fuck.. Dave I- Shit. I'm sorry." and then he turns to go to his room. But I don't let him. Instead... I grab his wrist and hold it tight.  
"Bro.. Don't go.." I say this quietly, more than shy to ask my older brother to stay. He turns back though, looking just as nervous as I feel. "Dave... This is wrong. I can't do this to you.. I'm sor-" and that's when I shut him up with a kiss of my own.

It takes a minute... But soon Dirk relaxes again and begins to kiss me back. He's gentle, not grabbing me like he had grabbed Jake, but his hands do go to rest on my waist and he pulls me closer. My heart is beating a mile a minute and I can't help but smile into the kiss. I'm so happy now.. I finally have him.. The one guy I love the most.. And he loves me too. Or.. At least I think he loves me the way I love him..

I pull back and stare at him for a moment before speaking. "I.. I love you Dirk.. So much.." My whole face is on fire now and my shades have slid down my nose to reveal my unnaturally red eyes. He stares back at me and finally.. I see that smile.. The same one I saw before him and Jake had dated. "I love you too Dave."

I hug him tight, hoping he truly means what he says. "You promise..? You don't still love Jake..?"

He shakes his head and kisses me softly. "I promise. Dave... After everything John's told me.. I couldn't possibly love someone else."

I frown. "So.. It's a pity relationship. Isn't it..? You feel you need to love me like this because you're afraid I'll hurt myself again..?"

"No Dave.. I love you because you're you. You're cute and smart... Not to mention you've always been here for me.." He hugs me tighter and I try not to cry as I take in his words, my heart beating strongly. "I've loved you before I even dated Jake... I- I just thought you'd be disgusted with me. A guy falling for his younger brother..? I thought you'd hate me. But then John told me about the picture you found.."

I blush and look at my feet. Great. Now he knew I jerked off to a naked photo of him. "Sorry.."  
He chuckles and shakes his head. "Don't be sorry.. Just come here and kiss me you little shit."

I smile, more than I ever had in the past few weeks, and then do as he told me to, kissing him softly with my hands on his shoulders.


	7. Chapter 7

"Dave.. Are you awake..?" I open my eyes, turning over in bed to stare into the bright orange eyes of none other than my brother, Dirk. I smile and he smiles back.  
"Yeah.. I'm awake. What's up..?"  
"I wanted to ask.. Does this mean- Well- Are we-"  
"You're stuttering.." I smile as I say this, brushing a hand over Dirk's cheek. He blushes and I can't help but love that I can do that to him.

"Sorry.." He looks off to the side, embarrassment showing clearly in his eyes. "I wanted to ask.. Since we both love each other like, you know... Does that mean we're.. together..?"  
My heart stops. I can't breath. Did- Did Dirk really just ask me that?

"Do you want us to be together?" I ask this in a quiet, shy tone, unsure if I'm understanding his question correctly.

"Well.. Yeah.. If you're ok with it.."  
At this, I throw myself on him, hugging him tight as we lie beneath the blankets in only our boxers. He's blushing and smiling and I can't help but do the same. "I'm more than ok with it.."

And then he's kissing me again. It's soft and sweet and everything but what I had always expected. I can't help but pull back slightly though when his hand's move down to grab my ass. "B-bro.." I don't even have to say anything else because just then.. he stops, looking me in the eyes. I've never seen the look he has before and honestly, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Sorry.. I didn't mean to move that fast.." Dirk's voice is quiet, if not a bit sad and I don't like it.

"Dirk.. It's fine I just- I've never really done anything like this.." I blush, nuzzling my face into his shoulder in hopes of hiding it. He doesn't laugh at me or anything though.. Instead, he keeps his hands still and kisses my head.

"Dave.. If I make you uncomfortable you can tell me. I don't want to do anything you're not ok with."

I blush and bite my lip as I listen to him. I don't know how far I'm ready to go with him but... I do know I want to try things. "I'm ok bro. I just didn't expect that.." I say this quietly, my hands moving to rest on his chest, and he smiles at me.

"Well how about this.. I'll try a few things.. And if you get uncomfortable just let me know."

I blush darker and nod. "Ok.."

And then he's grabbing my ass again. I try not to jump but I do.. And the weirdest, most embarrassing squeak ever escapes my lips, causing Dirk to chuckle. "Sh-shut up.." I say this half heartedly, more embarrassed than upset.

"Sorry.. You're just really cute.." My eyes go a bit wide when he says this.. He.. thinks I'm cute..?

"Thanks. I guess.."

He laughs softly and brings a hand up to my cheek. "You're welcome. Now.. come here.." He kisses me again, this time slightly harder. I kiss back eagerly and soon both his hands are on my ass again, squeezing and massaging rhythmically. I moan softly and that's when I feel a familiar heat in my boxers. No. No I CAN NOT pop a boner in front of Dirk! He'll probably laugh at me!

"You ok..?" His lips have left mine and I'm blushing like crazy. "Yeah.. I'm ok."

"Alright.. Just tell me to stop if I go too far ok?" I nod and the next thing I know, he's flipping us over so that he's on top of me and.. Holy shit. He's straddling me. I stare up at Dirk but soon I can't. Why? Because now he's kissing my neck, his hands on my hips.

"Ah~ D-Dirk~" I tilt my head back a bit to give him more room and I can feel him smile against my skin. I can't believe this is actually happening.. DIRK'S ON TOP OF ME! I can't help but smile widely as his lips move over my skin. This is a literal dream come true and I must be the happiest guy alive right now. But then that heat comes back again and I have to squeeze my legs tight together to hide the fact that yeah.. this is a huge turn on.

"Dirk.. N-no more.." I say this out of fear, although I really don't want it to end. I can't help it though. All I can think is that Dirk will start laughing at me if he finds out I'm getting a boner. But once he's off me, I want to cry. He was finally giving me what I wanted and now he's just lying beside me, apologizing for going too far. Great. Now he'll never kiss me like that again.

"Dirk.. It's fine. You didn't go to far. I just- I'm sorry. It's my fault.." I turn to my side, facing away from him so he can't see why I asked to stop. I can't believe this... I'm such an idiot. I'm such a stupid.. Idiotic moron. I don't deserve to have Dirk. I don't deserve any of this. I should've just died back there in the hospital. I should've slit my throat instead of my wrists..

"Dave.. Don't say that. Come on... It's not your fault. Just tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying?" I can feel Dirk's arms tight around my waist now, hugging me from behind and I start to shake a bit. "D-Dirk.. I'm sorry.." I turn over, hugging him back tightly. I don't know why I'm crying so much now but I can't help but feel overwhelmed with all the recent events. "I'm sorry for starving myself.. for cutting.. for doing stupid shit when I found that picture. I'm sorry I was mean to Jake.. I'm sorry I almost killed myself.. I'm just so sorry bro. I'm so, so, sorry.."

And for the rest of the night.. I just hold onto Dirk and cry. And I don't stop crying until I fall asleep. But... The only difference about this time is that.. for once.. I'm not crying out of sadness, but out of relief.. And the last thing I hear before I do fall asleep, is Dirk whisper, "It's ok Dave. I'm here."

And that's all I need because now... I know I'm not alone.

* * *

Ok, so thanks SOOOO much for reading! Sorry about the name change but y'know.. I feel the new title fits better.

Anyway.. It was going to continue to some other stuff as well as Dirk and Dave's first time but y'know what? I wrote one smut fanfic and I really like the story ending here. It's a happy ending and hey, it's cute. Also... With this ending, I can make more fanfics that follow up from it. I may even make one that tells the full story of Dave and John's breakup as well as how John and Karkat got together. So yeah... I hope you all enjoyed this fic. It's my first ever chapter fanfic so reviews mean a lot.

Again.. Thanks for reading!


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